Birthdays, Connection, Mothering, Pandemic....

Today I turned 53. I have not written for a long time because I have been single-handedly raising kids in a worldwide pandemic. It has been exhilarating and exhausting, simultaneously. I have been filled with gratitude and grief. Like the steel roller coaster my friend Natalie and I use to ride repeatedly, over and over in the 80’s while listening to REO Speedwagon, this year has had more ups and downs in the shortest amount of time then that two minute ride at Worlds of Fun. I know I will look back at this period of time and feel deep gratitude for the many moments with my kids, like I do to this day of those with Natalie.

Tonight, I am writing to release my truth and likely many of you will recognize yourself in my words. I hope something in this resonates with some of you because if not, maybe I really am the crazy one! Ha

I slept in today because it is my birthday and I went to bed way to late last night. My kids were upstairs and didn’t come down for well over an hour. To them, it was just another day. When they showed up, one immediately lied to me about something really stupid, the other said, “Happy Birthday” from behind me and went back up to Zoom class. Yes, we are STILL doing Zoom classes over a year later.

Next was the “please do not ever lie to me about anything again” conversation. Then, we sat in silence (with a few tears) for quite awhile before we started homeschool. Eventually, we agreed to check out some books from the library online to pick up later and started making a map of our neighborhood. Not even halfway through, I had to stop for a Zoom parent teacher conference where I was told my child is doing fantastic work, above average. Great, at least one is surviving this crazy time, academically. Not too long after that, same child is criticizing herself for falling asleep for 30 minutes in Zoom class today (never happened before). Then, for the birthday cake “leaking” onto the bottom of the oven and for injuring herself while running “up” the stairs, simply stated for not being enough. Hum, resonating with a few?!? Yes, me too. So, I held her close and reminded her that giving ourselves grace to make mistakes is a pertinent life lesson. That self-care, like icing her injury is important in learning to love ourselves. All the time I am listening to the words channeled through me as I need the rememberings myself.

Back to the map making, then another Zoom conference, this time with the counselor to discuss colleges, grades, graduation requirements, volunteer work, etc. Then, onto the grocery store for more dinner supplies as my middle one was going to make chicken red curry noodle soup for my birthday. No time to run home, so I sit in the library parking lot for the final Zoom parent conference. Within a few minutes of being home, the child who is both an amazing cook and baker realizes she must lay down to ice her injury as the swelling and bruising becomes worse. I proceed to make dinner for the plain, no spice food child while contemplating just having another protein shake for my dinner, since it was my lunch too, why the hell not?!?! I look on the internet to see if maybe, just maybe a restaurant on island has changed in the last week to take out on Wednesdays but zero luck. I contemplate a frozen pizza but that means another trip to the grocery store and I am totally over that. I chop chicken breasts and cry.

I cry because I want connection. I cry because I want recognition. I cry because I want a little gratitude for busting my ass 24/7 and giving every part of me to the children who chose me to come through and back into this world. I cry because after 26 years old doing this alone, I am exhausted. The last two months have been hell. The last year of no community, very few to no friends, all of it.…I cry. I cry because I want ONE f*cking day off. I cry for all of the women out there doing this alone or doing this with spouses who are not partners, with spouses who say they love you yet do not want to partner with you. I am crying for all of the moms who give birth in the bush and keep on going. For those who give birth and lose their babies, I am crying for the pain in the world, the divine feminine lost yet rising from the ashes. I cry out of gratitude for my children who love me and are simply struggling through a pandemic, too. For all who have been and continue to be ridiculed for not being enough, for being to loud, to bossy, to what-the-f*ck-ever. For those who dim their light because the WORK we do is not something society honors, so we do something that makes us feel worthy or we don't. We struggle with our own inner voice saying, "You are enough" while the world says, "No, you aren't." There is no paycheck, there is no day off, no sick days, no put your feet up and let us pamper you days, hell no going to bathroom alone moments, there is little gratitude, and we barely even recognize ourselves at times. Yet, we love and love and love some more and love again even as our hearts break when they fly out of the nest, excited for their newfound freedoms, not looking back to the hole that is left when they are gone. This is what we live for…to set them up to soar like the bald eagle who flew right towards my windshield today….to love them so much, they eventually leave us. Or they live in your basement their entire adult life and you want to punch them. Funny, not funny, for some of you.

So, dinner ended up with one kid ate grilled ham and cheese, rice and red peppers. Another ate goat cheese and crackers and I ate leftover chicken and salad. Maybe the chicken curry will happen another night. Maybe it won’t. Maybe we will have a do over. Likely, we won’t. One went to bed early and two of us had my favorite, flourless chocolate torte cake with raspberry sauce and whipped cream that was delicious and I blew out candles that were only there in my imagination.

My oldest forgot to leave me a card when she was here recently. I am still trying to find the ‘secret place’ I stashed her card as her birthday was just 8 days ago. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

As I was talking to a friend on her birthday a couple of weeks ago, I wonder how many people truly feel celebrated on their birthdays….or even have that need? I wanted connection. Maybe I wanted that with myself, maybe with others, possibly both. My birthday always feels a bit like a let down and I think it goes back to connection, to a need of feeling seen, something I didn’t experience often as a child emotionally. Now, I need to give that to myself. I know I definitely need to feel deeper into that energy, that longing.

I moved to this island to be part of community where we celebrate each other, our differences and our beauty. In the last year, the fear and control that has been perpetrated on us collectively has closed so many hearts. The kinship that was felt in this wild place full of natural wonders, interesting people and amazing creatures, has turned friends completely against each other. Minds that were once open to accepting of our differences, are closed and terrified. Yet, no one is getting off this rolling rock without death of our physical, whether by covid, cancer, flu, heart attack, shooting, old age, car wreck, whatever, we are all going to die. I miss connection. I miss the hugs our “friendly” island was known for. I miss holding the door open for people and being within 6’ feet of others. The potlucks, the music, the art exhibits, the smiles on people's face, the ability to walk down the road, outside breathing fresh air without being accused of trying to kill people. Maybe more than anything, I am missing the ability to be loved and touched from those who live in my community. This 53rd year around the sun, I am visualizing masks off, smiles on, loving touches again!

It has been one hell of a year. I am over covid. My children are over covid. We need to stand up and realize without human connection, we are all lost souls. Our neighbors love, just like we do. We must show our children the world doesn’t have to be a scary, fearful place. I am taking back my sovereignty this year. I hope you will, too. If you are still reading, thank you. I hope you feel the love I am sending out and will remember, we are the connectors, the lovers, the life, and no government entity can take that away. Blessings of love to all of you!

The Great Reset & The New Decade

It's mid-October 2020. The craziest year Collectively of my 52 years of life. I moved three times in nine months over the last year. My parents suddenly and unexpectedly moved in the middle of the pandemic to the Pacific NW which I never thought would happen. We are all close again, just a sea apart. The kids and I are living in a house I dreamed of over 20 years ago. I didn't realize this was the house until after spring had arrived and all the plants suddenly became alive, creating a rain forest like jungle but with a lilac smell! At the time all those years ago, I had no idea where the house was or why it kept coming to me while I was sleeping. The colors were so vivid, the vegetation so alive, the birds, and forest creatures so ecstatically happy. It was a place of magic, rainbows, and fairy dust. One could hear the mystical energies being whispered about on the wings of the hummingbirds. I could feel it as the eagles soared overhead with their mythical, God-like energies. I remember it all so vividly. The organic food growing up, down and all around, basking in the rays of the sun and bathing in the dew from the sea mist. Yet, I didn't intentionally think of this or dream it. All of this came to me, 25+ years ago. Some might say a premonition...I say a Remembering of what my soul needed, to continue, to fulfill it's many life purposes half-way through my time here on earth.

As I reflect on a multitude of what many call coincidences, whether in my waking and/or sleeping hours, I laugh because there are no coincidences in my life. In fact, I can just throw that word out with the baby and the bathwater.... Is that the saying or something close to that?!?! My kids would ask, "Mom, what in the world does that mean...throw the baby out with the bathwater?" I don't remember kids, ask your soul. (ha)

Here's what I know is true for me this year...

I can do more than I ever thought even while navigating my body being out of balance and having some serious hemoglobin issues. Rest when my body says, "No more" has become the one thing I truly listen too. That being said, my body does amazing things for me when it knows there is a deadline, no matter what size, shape or attitude I have towards it. Yet, I have learned (or I should say I am still practicing) loving and appreciating it no matter what while intentionally taking time to rest, which is what it truly is asking of me. I honor that now..."Finally" my meatsuit says!

I have learned that friendships come in and out, like the tides of the ocean. When fear strikes the Collective, one can truly learn an incredible amount about oneself. As many panic and anxiety kicks in high gear, understanding what is ours and what is not becomes an observation in Self that I've never experienced before this year. It has been beautiful and frustrating, simultaneously. So many yins and yangs happening on the daily! Yet, I have finally settled into the deepest of detachment which is magical and something I wasn't raised to understand yet what I feel is the truest form of love.

Normally, a New Year for me starts around mid to late March. I am not sure I have felt the New Year begin in January in my entire life. Confession time though, this year, 2020, I was so excited for the New Year as soon as January blew in. There was a magnetic energy in the breeze. It just felt like..."Yes, this is going to be our decade! Something truly exciting is about to take place on this planet, not just for me but for the entire Collective Oneness." I even told my friend Ginger who knows how I feel about January being the New Year....something about this decade feels tremendously exciting. It wasn't the year, it is was (is) the decade. Ten and a half months into this new decade, I either feel completely exhausted on levels I only somewhat remember during my children's baby years or complete and utter exhilaration. We are birthing something new people. You think I might be crazy....get quiet, turn the screen off, get barefoot on Mother, and feel the vibrations. You can feel the tribal drums, you can hear the chanting, the cracks, and crevices that Mother extends to us in her wisdom. They don't want you to know or believe or even listen. They want you terrified but what they don't truly understand is your soul already knows. Your soul remembers why we are all here at this time. We agreed to create something new. We are not going back. So, buckle up Buttercups, we are about to be catapulted into some real fun. How many believe they can manifest anything? It's past time to ride the wave of being full out in your genius mode. Time to manifest like a Mofo (as I tell my kids).

The children....watch the young ones. They know, they remember. Watch them play, take them outside and observe. Ask them questions, be full of wonder. I bet they know they can manifest anything! They will lead you back to your own remembrance and the continued high vibrations we are here to hold.

It is time, to awaken from the slumber, to honor your deepest divine connection, to acknowledge your truth, and most importantly, to let the children and the creatures be the wayshowers. Remember Tahlequah? The killer whale who carried her dead baby for 1000 miles in 17 days during the summer of 2018? Did you listen to her message from Spirit? She is a wayshower, too. She birthed a new baby boy not long ago. She is still showing us the way, through her pain and her elation, what we can create, how we can work with Mother to help heal the Collective.

Very soon, many will look back on this year and be grateful it is over. As stressed as I have felt often, I am in deep gratitude for the shifts taking place, for my awareness that even though I may be "homeschooling" my children, something I never planned, they are my teachers, they are helping me remember....still and they are these amazing, often rough, sometimes polished gems, reminding me I get to chose my attitude every single moment. Even when I want to burn all the masks and have a lightning bolt strike down the collective fear, they remind me to honor that we are all where we are in this giant Ark we call life, floating along. That, truly, it is all a giant movie anyway, so why not throw in fun, laughter and dancing along the way....and even as I learned from a nine and eight year old yesterday while studying fungi in the woods, sometimes it is just about making fart noises...because making (and drawing) farts noises as loud as you can in a competitive type of way can be pretty darn hysterical. Nothing raises the planets frequency like laughter!!

Love to each of you who have read this far....now go outside and make some fart noises!! Oh, and cheers to you for making it through the most turbulent ride down the golden class five river of our lives...only 2.5 months to go... Hang on!!

The shaggy mane pictured above is edible and delicious BUT it has a twin imposter called the "vomiter" that everyone should be aware of. Again, the yin and the yang is all around us!

**Picture credit to myself, Staci French.

Are You Listening to Your God Messages?

I live in the moment the majority of the time in my life now. What this means is I now know how to decipher my brain messages from the God (Consciousness) messages AND I move through life listening, as well as acting upon the God messages.

Although, I am in this space most of the time, I am still remembering this as I have lived the majority of this life from my analytical and fear energy, a.k.a., the brain messages. I am astonished almost daily at how life in the FLOW works as I navigate this remembered way of being in the world.

As a culture, we have to do, be, strive, perfect, wait, hurry, go….it is constant motion or FLOW but is it a FLOW of Consciousness? As a culture, we have become a flow of crazy; running, doing, being better being more, buying, consuming, trying to keep up with…hell, we don’t even know what or who we are racing towards or against anymore.

A recent client who was a medical doctor, around 30 years of age said to me, “I just want to go to yoga without feeling as though I have to be decked out in Lululemon, hair, makeup done and kids in soccer.” She didn’t even have kids, she was really looking for her life purpose and had spent her entire life “being” what she thought she was suppose to be. After losing both parents, she was now struggling with whether she was living her true life purpose, realizing life can be very short.

What she had done was forgotten who she was before she chose to become a doctor, when she wasn’t being what she thought she wanted to be, when she wasn’t trying to keep up with society’s vision of her chosen life path. As a doctor, she was told by her employer she was spending way to much time with patients, not seeing enough in one day and this energy which went against her core soul purpose was physically wrecking havoc in her life.

She had stopped listening to her God messages. Instead, she had been sucked into the black hole our earthly bodies have created with our cultural beliefs. Exhausted, severely depressed, crying all the time, she could barely drag herself out of her house to do the things she truly had once taken great pleasure in, including helping her patients through her knowledge of medicine and healing.

I spent almost my entire life in this aforementioned mindset and I taught my oldest daughter to live in this place, too. As I have grown and opened to my life purpose, I have realized there is a different way to chose to be. This is what I call “living by the God messages.” (As a side note, I must say, I do use God, Spirit, Creator, Universe, all interchangeably.)

One way I shifted the energy from living in control, analysis and fear to the FLOW of God is that I spent the last eight years paying attention to the feeling of my thoughts. This started with baby steps, though, because it was a new way of remembering. At first, it only happened when I remembered to feel my thoughts. Then, I noticed myself feeling my way through life more and more each day…not just with my heart, but with my body and soul. I asked myself…How did I feel when I was making a decision? How did my body react physically? Did I want to jump, dance or sing? Did I want to run away as fast as possible or did I feel as though I was about to puke? Was I excited or sweaty? Did I get chills all over? Was my heart racing, thumbing, aching, or whistling with joy? If I felt any kind of yuck, I stopped. I literally visualized a stop sign to stop the brain thought and allowed myself to feel instead.

Over time, my body started taking over and my brain, my thoughts had less power. Feeling my way through life became more of my daily existence than panic, anxiety, fear, control, the “how can I make this happen” or “how will I do this all alone?” I started praying A LOT!! I prayed to God, Buddha, Creator, Spirit, my grandmothers, your grandmothers, my Spirit Guides, my pets who had passed, friends who are on the other side, I would literally say, “To anyone willing to listen!” I prayed for a deeper sense of Consciousness, for a deeper connection to God (myself). I prayed to walk through the world every minute of every day as I am God (Consciousness), whether I was doing the dishes, reading to my kids, volunteering at school, working with a client, hiking in the woods, taking a shower (one of the best times for prayer and visualization…let the water cleanse your soul), scooping cat litter, standing in a line, whatever I was doing, I prayed to BE Consciousness. I prayed for messages to let me know I was on the right path. I prayed for strength and courage to live my purpose, to be used to heal. I prayed to bring those who need me and those I need into my path e-v-e-r-y single day.

AND then….I listened! I got quiet in my soul and I listened. I did not judge, I did not condemn or analyze, I listened. I listened to the animals, I listened to the numbers, I listened when someone said, “Have you read this book or studied this author?” If I got a pulling or tug, I knew they were asking because it is something I need to look into further, so I did. When I met new people, even in line at a store, I would ask, “What lesson or message does this person have for me?” Sometimes, I got an immediate answer. Most of the time, I had more of a feeling that I will know at the exact moment I need to but that time is not right now. So, I would put that in the back of my mind and let go. I knew these were all God messages.

Also, part of this living from the God messages involves me no longer berating myself. If I take a nap, chose to not clean my bathroom, have an Unconscious Day or make my kids go to bed early because I just can not take anymore. I allow myself grace in knowing all is as it should be. For instance, this does not mean I only do things I want and do not do things like laundry that are not so fun. It just means I have remembered that I am all knowing, that Consciousness lives within me always, that we are here again on this planet to love; ourselves and all other beings.

One last big lesson in all of this is that it is simply okay to surrender. Yes, I said the “S” word…Surrender. To say, “God I surrender, I do not want to be Consciousness, I am exhausted, overwhelmed, I can no longer do this. I surrender, please take over.” I have these moments too….

Much love,

Staci

#Flow #Consciousness #surrender #messages