A great man went to heaven today. If you did not know him, you might think he was an ordinary human being. He battled his share of demons, just like we all do but he was a good dad, friend and became an incredible grandfather to many children. He brought a sense of humor to my childhood that showed me even in what feels like the darkest hours, laughter can be unbelievably incredible medicine.
In the last few days, I knew his death was coming. I find it fascinating he chose an extremely powerful day, the first of May as the day to finally let go. My heart goes out to all of those he is leaving behind. I have cried and cried all morning, for the loss and the joy as I see so many that went before him showing up to greet him. So many of them were taken suddenly way before any of us could have imagined. As a psychic medium, I see they are all waiting for him, happy, smiling, open arms of love, and the party…. Well, let’s just put it this way, those that have gone before him knew how to throw a party and things haven’t changed just because they are in the heavens!
As I have sat here all morning crying, I wonder if the tears are simply a release of emotions or something universally bigger than I. I am not his daughter, but my best friend I have known since birth is. Yet, just like when her mother suddenly passed, I cannot stop crying, I cannot stop feeling the pain of loss, the joy of the memories, the love of a man who fought his demons with everything he had. I feel as though I am crying for the first 25 years of my life when I felt I was not allowed to cry, to feel, to have many emotions. It was more like I was supposed to move through the world, smiling, happy, robotic, and numb to the pain in my heart, in my life. Am I crying now for the 25 years of not being allowed to feel? Is being so empathic simply part of my life purpose and I am finally remembering the depths of emotions?
I have to honor the voices that are still a part of me saying, “It is not okay to cry, to feel, to open your heart, this is not a safe way to live.” I respect that part of me, the little girl wounded by circumstances, yet I allow myself to open to love, pain, light, and darkness. I am the adult now who can hold the little girl, tell her I am sorry she is sad, and love her through the honest, raw emotion of losing another soul to the next dimension.
Sometimes, now, I feel like I cry for the generations of the divine feminine and sacred masculine who have been taught that being disconnected from their soul, their feelings, the love they deserve to honor is the best way to move through the world. It is a sense of honoring hundreds of thousands of people and it feels so extremely heavy yet so humbling all at the same time. I wonder how many others feel this sense of purpose in their lives, in their bones…this sense of heaviness?
Both the death of my dear friend and the recent death of Prince have reminded me once again that it is okay for each of us to be who we are in the world. Sensitive, tough, vulnerable, closed, tears, no tears, we are who we are and no matter what we all deserve love. Living with open hearts is one of the most vulnerable things we can do. I am still a work in progress, toiling to keep my heart open, my tears flowing whether happy tears or sad, knowing I am love…no matter what I look like, how I feel or who accepts me. Waking up again every morning, healthy and alive is another day for me to spread love, joy and gratitude to others and myself.
I leave you with one of my favorite Prince quotes….
Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today
to get through this thing called Life.
XOXO, Staci
(picture by Staci French 2016)