“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light sine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Marianne Williamson
Right now, I am in the middle of like three of the top ten things scientists have proven will kill you on their “top ten most stressful life events” lists. Okay, so maybe you will not actually die, but you might feel like you want to.
I have been through some of these events before, but this time around, I feel completely at peace on the inside. On the outside, it feels crazy once in awhile but I am moving forward. I am choosing to believe the pace I am going, is the exact speed I am supposed to be moving at. I am also allowing myself to just be.
I am jogging, although some days I feel like Forest Gump and just want to run and run and never come back. Then, some days I feel like a slug with nothing but a trail of slime behind me. Mainly, because those are the days, I am mentally, physically and emotionally on the edge and although I am jogging, it is more like I am crawling…not just physically but spiritually, too.
I spend the entire three plus miles asking God, Buddha, the Universe, my spirit guides, the angels, anyone honestly who will listen, sometimes even the dogs barking at me or the deer in the meadow, to give me strength on every level to keep one foot in front of the other. It’s like jogging has become a metaphor for the transition I am going through in life. Yes, I am extremely fortunate to live in the most gorgeous wilderness. Being out in nature, in the ever-changing wild, is a metaphor for my ever-evolving soul.
What I love most about going through these “stressful life events” this time around is I feel grounded, I feel centered, I feel as though no matter how hard it gets, there is something so much bigger than myself guiding me, supporting me. I feel my deepest fears letting go. I feel them blowing by me in the wind, leaving as though they will miss me but knowing it is time to part ways.
I have spent most of my entire life being a “type A” personality. I have had plans upon plans starting from the time I was in junior high. I was graduating from high school, going to college, four years later starting a career as an engineer. A few years after that, I was getting married and a couple of years later, having three kids in about an eight year span. Well, all the ‘life goals’ list, spreadsheets, organizers, calendars, planners, etc. did not make that happen.
Sure, I had three kids, in three different decades. Yes, I worked as an engineer but not before doing many other hands-on mechanical jobs, hanging out of helicopters and crawling in underground high voltage vaults. And, then twenty-five years later, I long to do only what feeds my soul.
I still love numbers, but they do not feed my soul. I love people. I love people who challenge me to be a more conscious individual. I love people who call me on my bullshit. I love people who embrace each other, even if we do the same line of work, who support each other as we all move forward in life. I love empowering others, whether it is through my intuitive gift or simply going through every single minute of the day with my heart open, sending love blasts to all I encounter.
I remember many years ago Oprah saying the 40’s were the best years ever although she has probably changed that to the 50’s now, but I feel deeply grateful for the wisdom that comes from aging. I feel deeply grateful to be able to put my “type A” personality on the shelf more often than not and go for a jog, lie in the grass under the stars, dream big and believe. I feel deeply grateful for the younger women in my life who I see are “getting” this in their early 30’s now, who are loving wide open, who know it is good for their children and their families to take care of themselves first. Who get that living their own passion, whether it is photography, teaching, singing, nurturing, gardening, yoga, etc., even it is only a few hours a week, is what creates children who understand healthy boundaries, who “get” how to deeply care for others because they “get” caring for themselves.
We are not meant to live as victims of what our culture believes we “should” do. Mothers are not meant to be martyr’s who drag themselves around exhausted, weary and in a blur because everyone else comes first. We are meant to slow down, ground and center ourselves in whatever way that looks like for you. To literally smell the roses, feel the earth, laugh like we were children and embrace each other’s gifts to the world. We are all unique and we all have lessons to teach each other. There is always more to open to, more love out there, to give and receive.
Even under the “most stressful life events” there is love, hope, belief, and incredibly supportive relationships. One of my favorite phrases which I first heard at Seattle Unity probably fifteen years ago still reigns true….”Let go and let God.”